Starting Over

Sometimes the things you leave behind because you think they are bad, are the very things that will remind you later of how good you actually had it. I now realize that religion does not have all the answers.

I’ve never been too sure on how to live life effectively. I am more like a hermit crab that has  a broken shell. I don’t know what happened really. I was never this girl. I was the center of attention girl. The girl that went out all the time, took trips to places all the time. Spent my summer and winters visiting friends and their families all the time. And suddenly it stopped. It all seemed to stop. I devoted my life to a church and everything came to a crashing halt. I don’t blame the church. But I have found that a church is not the place for me to dedicate my life. In the years spend slaving serving this one particular organization I feel like I lost part of myself. I gave everything I was to being a part of this “family” and in the end I have absolutely nothing to show for it. The friends that I thought I made seemed to disappear once I decided that I needed to take care of myself more than the church. It’s been about a year since I have left the church that I was very involved with and I have not seen any of the people that I thought “loved” me. The most interesting of this is that about a week ago I received a Christmas card from a Pastor who was actually coming in to the church as I was leaving. It said “Thanks for being so amazingly faithful. We appreciate all you do for (insert old church here and random serving team that I wasn’t even a part of when I was going to said church)!!! You are truly a blessing!!!”

Now, initially I thought to myself, well maybe they were just trying be kind. But then I realize, that there were people there that I had or at least I thought I had genuine relationships with. People that I’ve prayed for and with during really turbulent times in my life and theirs. And not one of those people has sent me a card of text or anything since I decided to take a break. And to be totally honest, I didn’t initially think that my departure would be permanent. It just needed a break from being spiritually drained and told that I wasn’t doing enough. The crazy drama circles and the constant rejection from friends who once they got in with other friends who were higher on the chain had no room for me. I need a break from that to figure out what I was doing and why I was doing it. Was I in this for God or for man? I figured out that I had it all wrong in the end and I was looking for man. I was using God to find friends. Horrible I know. Shameful really. And to be honest it was one of the most foolish things I could have done. After all is said and done, I gave up what I thought was a bad life for an even worse one hiding behind religion. I drunk the kool-aid. I fell for the scheme. Looking back. I guess I was wrong when I said I had nothing to show for it. I am definitely a changed person. I am probably even better after the experience. The part that is difficult is having to start from scratch. I have to build all new friendships. My old friendships prior to church seem to have disappeared. They have grown on without me. My church friendships are done now. Now it seems I am starting completely over.

I am ok with that. But this interim of learning new people is trying. Especially for nights like this when I would just like to go hang out someplace with a friend.