Living in prayer

There is this thing that seems to happen when I am in a place where I am consistently praying. It seems that things seem to just go smoother. I’ve been faced with a hurt and I’ve had to learn how to be honest with myself and with God. It’s been rough for no other reason than having to constantly expose my heart and trust that Father God is on my side. This is a really hard task for a girl like me. The first father I’ve ever known was invisible to the eye of the world. 

While I would like to pretend that the things going on around me don’t hurt and while I would like to just not see those things to avoid the hurt, I can’t. I am slapped in the face with it more than I would like and there isn’t too much I can do aside from running away. And I am at a place where running away doesn’t seem to be an option. And I can’t just talk about these things openly because, at the end of the day, the truth is that God is good and all things are going to be, if not already have been, turned around for my good.  So, anything that seems to be contradictory to that truth needs to be examined under a holy filter not blasted in the ears of others. My problem is that I process outwardly and I talk my way through my feelings and essentially what I am doing is dumping my garbage in someone else’s lap.  I need not do that.  So, in order to not do that, I am in a consistent state of prayer. Constantly asking Jesus to help me filter thought these thoughts and feelings and blessing those who have hurt me. 

And really, the truth is that people who hurt me aren’t bad people. Though they may have said mean things to and/or about me, or they may have physically hurt me, they aren’t necessarily bad people.  They are broken people. And until they allow the love of Jesus to fill those areas of brokenness, they can’t help but hurt people and themselves. I am always remembering that what someone does to me is what they do to me, not my 50 closet friends!  Love always covers, it doesn’t expose and shame.  

How I handle that hurt is a reflection of my character. And in this place of learning, one thing I desire most is that I come out of this with my character intact. Misery does truly love company and if I’m not careful when someone tries to impose their misery on me and I allow them, by talking negatively about their character, I am then doing the same thing they did to me. I am spreading misery.

One thing that has really bothered me in all this is wondering where my protection was/is.  Jesus, why is this happening? Why am I hurting? Why are people allowed to hurt me? Where is my holy shield that covers me and deflects every dart of the enemy so that it goes back to the place from where it was sent instead of landing where it was intended to go? When things like this happen, I get angry that I care.  I get angry at the fact that I care at all about people who don’t seem to care about me. I want to retreat. I want to hide out and go into a cave and shut out everyone and everything. I get to a place where people must prove to me that they are worthy of my time. In order to self-protect I reduce people in my mind and I toss them aside and everyone becomes an enemy. The honest truth is that when people hurt me, I don’t want Jesus, I want revenge.  But underneath all of that, what I really want the most is to know that my Father loves me and that what has been done is not ok with him.  I want to feel protected and valued, not just someone’s dumping ground.

It’s funny how being hurt by others just reveals to me, if I take the time to see, the areas in my life that are broken. Those areas that I need the blood of Jesus to come in and restore. A friend of mine called those people Holy Sandpaper. 

In navigating all that I am experiencing I am learning how to pray all the time, without ceasing. Because what do I do when the person who offended me looks like they are living the good life and every time I see them they seem to take another shot at me?  What do I do when it feels like my friends have turned their backs on me? What do I do when it feels like the person who hurt me is perfect and I am the one with the issues? What do I do when I come to the place where I recognize that I was a) offended and b) pounded with guilt because I got offended in the first place? What do I do, when on top of all of this surface pain, deep wounds from the past, things that I had no control over, that I’m not even responsible for, start to show up and kick me when I’m down? What do I do, when people tell me to just get over it, and try to put the fault of un-healed hurt on my shoulders and even try and blame me for what’s been done to me? What do I do when I open up to people about my hardest moments and their response is so what? 

I just have to pray.

I just have to believe that the word of God is true. 

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him. ~ Psalm 28:7

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. ~ Isaiah 43:2

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. ~ Hebrews 4:13

Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD." And you forgave the guilt of my sin. ~Psalm 32:5

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ~ Psalm 34:18

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise. ~ Psalm 51:17

In my distress I called to the LORD; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears. ~Psalm 18:6

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens ~ Psalm 68:19

Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken. ~Psalm 55:22

So…

I think this is long enough for now and because I am still learning there will be more later and because I am not really sure how to end this…

Later,

TGHCR